TODAY IS THE DAY

You need no one’s approval. Your thoughts, proclivities, feelings, and needs are all intrinsically valuable. You are allowed to express yourself in whatever idiosyncratic way that makes you feel whole. There is no “normal”. On any given day you can be singularly focused or multi-passionate in your pursuits. What does matter, is that you express your talents and work tirelessly toward your own worthy goals. Somewhere out there, there is someone who resonates with the essence of who you are. Don’t hold back. Be bold. Express your unique gift. Have the courage to stand up for what you feel is right.

When you rely on validation from others, you give your power away.

You are worthy of taking up space and worthy of being treated with respect and kindness. No one is going to go out of their way to tell you that you are doing a “good job” or to recognize your talents until you recognize them in yourself. Pay no mind to what others think of you. Stay on your own virtuous path and focus on expressing your best self moment to moment. Declare yourself as the self-assured, confident person that I know you are and spiritual wealth will follow.

You have agency. You have the capacity to shape your emotions day to day. I am not saying bad things do not or can not happen. This is the nature of our one beautiful life – the good and the bad, the ying and the yang. The way we process what happens and how we choose to respond determines how we experience each moment. There is no perfect. There is no complete control. There is a better way to approach negative feelings when they arise. Being an analytical person, I find the following steps to be useful.

(1) Situation Selection: Can I remove myself from the situation that is causing negative emotions? Most of the time we can not avoid them but if we have the opportunity to remove ourselves from a toxic situation, then we must. Eckhart Tolle says “Once you realize that a certain kind of food makes you sick, would you carry on eating that food and keep on asserting that it’s okay to be sick?”

(2) Situation Modification: If you can not remove yourself from a situation causing negative emotions, then is there a way to modify the day to make the experience more pleasurable and more positive? Can you listen to music while doing housework? Can you spend more time with people at work who lift you up instead of putting you down? Find a way to assert, even in a small way, that you matter and you deserve to be able to affect your environment so that it is one in which you thrive.

(3) Acceptance and Attention Diversion: Of course, it is important to acknowledge and not stuff away negative feelings but if the negative rumination is not serving you, then it is time to focus on something else. If you are having chronic pain in one part of your body can you accept that you can not change it and then focus on an area that feels good? Can you bring yourself back to the present moment, using mindfulness to take in what is around you? When a negative, intrusive thought keeps popping into your head – say to yourself – ” That is interesting but no thank you”. Sometimes I imagine taking that thought and putting it in a bubble and letting it float away or writing the thought on a post-it and pinning it on a board. Your brain and body are sending this emotion to get your attention – so let them know the message has been received, but you are okay now.

(4) Expression/Behavior: The physical body responds to emotional stress the same way as a physical threat. Learning the cues is so important- for me I become quiet, my face flushes, I shut down to others, and feel a tightness in my throat. This happens in milliseconds. Everybody is different. What I have learned is that you can hijack your physiology. No one can stop the initial flush of energy that moves through the body with a negative emotion but you can recognize it and learn techniques to tell the body it is safe even when the mind is panicking. Intentional slow breathing down into the belly with the exhale longer than the inhale to start. I also have learned to pull my shoulders down and let out a deep sigh (which many have heard if they spend any time at all with me) to help me slow down and process what I am going through.

(5) Reframing: To help reach equanimity in times of negative emotions, take the time and space to re-appraise the situation. If you are feeling jealous of someone that is a great emotion. It is trying to show you that there is some quality in that person you would like to emanate or something they have accomplished that you would also love to achieve. This can lead to great insight into yourself. Did you have a horrible childhood? Can you see how this has shaped you to be the person you are today? How you now vow to never treat another human being the way you have been treated. How this gives you special gifts to understand and relate to others who have trying circumstances. There are so many times I have fallen short as a doctor, a friend, and a wife. I can feel bad about those times or I can see that those failures were essential in catalyzing a hunger to learn more, love more, and be a better person.

Life can be tough and people can be difficult. Situations can test you and people will trigger you. There are times you will feel vulnerable, angry, lost, defeated, or sad. It is ok as long as these emotions do not become you and write the story of your life.

“Your true strength resides in holding your power in the midst of those who have abdicated theirs. ” – Alan Cohen

Many self-help books discuss establishing good habits or re-designing your environment to help you avoid engaging in bad habits. What if you could completely take away the option of even engaging in the bad habit in the first place?

For instance, if there is a time of day that you normally decompress and have a drink, replace that time of day with a workout or at-home yoga video. You can’t drink and engage in a strenuous workout at the same time (or at the very least this is not advised). Even if you still have that drink when you are finished, you have eliminated some time in which the choice for a second drink could happen and you have done something more positive.

The point is to sign up, get a friend to show up, or commit to engaging in some activity during the time in which your bad habit would occur. If you sit on the couch every day mindlessly scrolling then have a friend show up at 9 am for a walk. Or ask your neighbor if you can take their pets out for a walk and make it habitual. If you have an obligation that you can’t put off or have pre-filled your day with activities that are not conducive you you engaging with your vice then you automatically win.

“Never trust the dopamine”. Yes, it will be hard for you to break these bad habits as often they trigger your brain to be flooded with potent neurochemicals, seeking those stimuli until you satisfy that craving. The hardest things to deal with are over-eating, wasting your precious time on social media, drinking in excess, smoking, etc. It is ok to take two steps forward and introduce new positive activities and one step back by engaging in your bad habit. Over time your identity follows the action and you will see yourself differently as you continue to engage in these more soul-fulfilling activities. Over time you will begin to crave them over the bad ones. When you crave the exact thing that is good for you and staying true to your virtues brings you happiness, this is a life well lived.

It wouldn’t be a September post without acknowledging the innate energy that comes along with this month. Taking the memories of your accomplishments over the last year, dreams for your future, and moshing them together into one giant soup of productivity. The Harvest. The Gathering of Goals. Examining of Details. Organizing the moments that add up to be your life.

The process isn’t sexy. There is no hack or shortcut. It isn’t meant to be easy. It is meant to bring forth clarity. I will distill the essence of what it is and since September babies love lists…..here it is.

(1) High Hard Goals – Why you are here. What are you meant to do or be in this life? Figure it out and write it down.

(2) Attainable Goals – The things you need to do to help you achieve your high hard goals. Broken down into small achievable things.

(3) Actionable Goals – Small tasks you do daily or weekly in service to your attainable goals.

Then you put your action items on a list and you do it. No negotiations with yourself. You just execute. Sounds tough? You bet. 99% of all people don’t or won’t do this. They won’t take the time to write things out. Break it down step by step. They won’t execute their actionable goals consistently. They also live a life unfulfilled.

My high hard goals? They have never changed. My interests have been with me and in me since I can remember. (1) Preserve and protect life where you can and alleviate suffering where you can’t (2) Explore the boundaries of human potential by optimizing states and flow (3) Create systems that bring order to disorder/entropy. My high hard goal of protecting animals, insects, and nature is an overarching life passion. That purpose was planted in my heart and soul and drives me. It is partially attainable through my second-tier goals – one of which was becoming a Veterinarian. Of course, I needed actionable goals (i.e. the daily grind of studying every day) to get me through reaching my degree (an attainable goal). That is how the process works. One is never done with a High Hard Goal. It is not something you cross off at the end of the day. There is always something else I can be doing and learning to be of service to the living things of this planet. I can keep setting new Attainable Goals.

High Hard Goal: Protect Life –> Attainable Goal: Become a Veterinarian –> Actionable Goals: Study daily

What drives you? What beautiful mark on this world are you supposed to leave? I suggest you borrow some September willpower and make time for harvesting your goals and you will reap the benefits of a life worth living.

We spend so much time trying to integrate all the facets of ourselves into one whole as if we were a rare and unique diamond. If we could get all the faces to connect then our beauty and strength would be elucidated. No one sees the time and pressure it takes to be that perfect. The kind of pressure that buckles you instead of bolstering you.

I would rather be a wildflower garden. The variety of colors, each flower unique and appreciated. Constantly blooming, renewing. Seemingly disintegrated but in aggregate beautiful, inviting. Each stalk bends with the soft breeze so as not to break. Flowing, dynamic.

A diamond may last forever, shining, gaining adoration. It can be owned and admired but in essence, it is solitary and alone. A wildflower garden flourishes in community with others, acclimating to all types of weather. It is welcoming and pleasant; charming the natural visitors that seek refuge among the petals. Its allure and elegance are preserved through the seeds and buds of new flowers to come. Its life is judged on the joy it provides to others.