You have agency. You have the capacity to shape your emotions day to day. I am not saying bad things do not or can not happen. This is the nature of our one beautiful life – the good and the bad, the ying and the yang. The way we process what happens and how we choose to respond determines how we experience each moment. There is no perfect. There is no complete control. There is a better way to approach negative feelings when they arise. Being an analytical person, I find the following steps to be useful.
(1) Situation Selection: Can I remove myself from the situation that is causing negative emotions? Most of the time we can not avoid them but if we have the opportunity to remove ourselves from a toxic situation, then we must. Eckhart Tolle says “Once you realize that a certain kind of food makes you sick, would you carry on eating that food and keep on asserting that it’s okay to be sick?”
(2) Situation Modification: If you can not remove yourself from a situation causing negative emotions, then is there a way to modify the day to make the experience more pleasurable and more positive? Can you listen to music while doing housework? Can you spend more time with people at work who lift you up instead of putting you down? Find a way to assert, even in a small way, that you matter and you deserve to be able to affect your environment so that it is one in which you thrive.
(3) Acceptance and Attention Diversion: Of course, it is important to acknowledge and not stuff away negative feelings but if the negative rumination is not serving you, then it is time to focus on something else. If you are having chronic pain in one part of your body can you accept that you can not change it and then focus on an area that feels good? Can you bring yourself back to the present moment, using mindfulness to take in what is around you? When a negative, intrusive thought keeps popping into your head – say to yourself – ” That is interesting but no thank you”. Sometimes I imagine taking that thought and putting it in a bubble and letting it float away or writing the thought on a post-it and pinning it on a board. Your brain and body are sending this emotion to get your attention – so let them know the message has been received, but you are okay now.
(4) Expression/Behavior: The physical body responds to emotional stress the same way as a physical threat. Learning the cues is so important- for me I become quiet, my face flushes, I shut down to others, and feel a tightness in my throat. This happens in milliseconds. Everybody is different. What I have learned is that you can hijack your physiology. No one can stop the initial flush of energy that moves through the body with a negative emotion but you can recognize it and learn techniques to tell the body it is safe even when the mind is panicking. Intentional slow breathing down into the belly with the exhale longer than the inhale to start. I also have learned to pull my shoulders down and let out a deep sigh (which many have heard if they spend any time at all with me) to help me slow down and process what I am going through.
(5) Reframing: To help reach equanimity in times of negative emotions, take the time and space to re-appraise the situation. If you are feeling jealous of someone that is a great emotion. It is trying to show you that there is some quality in that person you would like to emanate or something they have accomplished that you would also love to achieve. This can lead to great insight into yourself. Did you have a horrible childhood? Can you see how this has shaped you to be the person you are today? How you now vow to never treat another human being the way you have been treated. How this gives you special gifts to understand and relate to others who have trying circumstances. There are so many times I have fallen short as a doctor, a friend, and a wife. I can feel bad about those times or I can see that those failures were essential in catalyzing a hunger to learn more, love more, and be a better person.
Life can be tough and people can be difficult. Situations can test you and people will trigger you. There are times you will feel vulnerable, angry, lost, defeated, or sad. It is ok as long as these emotions do not become you and write the story of your life.
“Your true strength resides in holding your power in the midst of those who have abdicated theirs. ” – Alan Cohen